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Vous divorcez? Quand il s'agit d'aider vos enfants à s'adapter correctement: Anticipez les problèmes et minimisez leurs effets [Partie 1], par Susannah Gersten, MSW, LCSW, psychothérapeute

Par 23 septembre 2011 #! 31Sun, 18 mars 2012 11:18:48 -0800p4831#31Sun, 18 mars 2012 11:18:48 -0800p-11-08: 003131-08: 00x31 18 am31am-31Sun, 18 mars 2012 11:18:48 -0800p11- 08: 003131-08: 00x312012Sun, 18 mars 2012 11:18:48 -08001811183amSunday = 14#! 31Sun, 18 mars 2012 11:18:48 -0800p-08: 003#M18 mars 2012#! 31Sun, 18 mars 2012 11:18: 48 -0800p4831# / 31Sun, 18 mars 2012 11:18:48 -0800p-11-08: 003131-08: 00x31#! 31Sun, 18 mars 2012 11:18:48 -0800p-08: 003# Sans commentaires

La décision de vous séparer de votre conjoint a sans aucun doute été un chemin long et douloureux pour vous deux. En tant que parent concerné, ajouter à votre stress sera de savoir comment aider votre enfant à faire face à cette perte. La bonne nouvelle est que si vous lisez ceci et cherchez de l'aide pour votre enfant et votre famille, vous êtes déjà sur la bonne voie. Anticipez que cet énorme changement aura un effet sur la famille et prévoyez également que, quoi que vous fassiez, cet effet aura des composantes négatives. Il n'y a pas de divorce parfait. De nombreux parents viennent me voir pour une psychothérapie et me demandent des conseils sur la façon de minimiser les effets négatifs de la séparation imminente sur leurs enfants et sur leur famille dans son ensemble. Bien que cela ne remplace pas la thérapie familiale continue, ce blog et les futurs blogs présenteront les préoccupations les plus courantes que les parents m'apportent. Ce qui suit sont les deux premiers problèmes à résoudre. Mon conseil est d'anticiper ces enjeux et de minimiser au maximum leur influence.
* note: ce sont des directives générales pour les parents dans des relations non violentes. Si votre relation est violente de quelque manière que ce soit et que vous estimez que vous ou vos enfants êtes ou pourriez être en danger, veuillez consulter un professionnel.

Anticipez le problème #1: Vos enfants sentent que les choses sont hors de contrôle.

This one is painful and gets expressed in many different ways. Different kids need different things from their parents in order to feel adequately taken care of and that their environment is stable. Some kids express this explicitly, from You don't love me anymore, to I am always late for school now, or You don't spend any time with us anymore, and You are always on the phone. Other kids will retreat into themselves and stop sharing their feelings with their parents, attempt to take care of their parents, or generally present with: nothing has really changed, everything s fine. Either way, it can be painful to experience these changes in your children. If they are externalizing their feelings onto you explicitly, they may constantly hurt your feelings or not give you a chance. If they internalize their feelings, you might not even notice at first and might want to believe that they really feel like everything s fine and nothing s bothering them. Although it might be easier to do this, and tempting to believe it, you are doing them a disservice by buying into that wish.
Minimisez ce problème:

Take care of yourself! You need help. You are probably experiencing a range of feelings that runs the gamut of the human experience from possible depression and loneliness to a sense of freedom and relief. You absolutely deserve to feel these things and need to express them. When your child is out of the house you can vent to friends, family, neighbors, religious figures, a therapist, or whoever you can trust. But when your kids are home, try as best you can to maintain a sense of confidence and normalcy. This is not to say you should not be honest about your feelings to a certain degree you can empathize with their sadness, grief, and anxiety over the change, as this is a shared family experience. Be cautious, however, not to overwhelm them. Do not rely on them for emotional support as you would another adult. While expressing sadness also simultaneously express the confidence that your lives will all be better as a result, and that it was the right decision for you and your family.

Try to maintain the old routine as much as possible. You and your kids have been through an enormous change. This is not the time to change up their morning or bedtime routines, get rid of a family pet, stop going to religious services, introduce them to new boyfriends/girlfriends, increase drinking or smoking, give them new rules, etc. Give yourselves several months to a year or more to adjust to this new change before introducing any other big changes. If you have adopted some big changes for yourself and you feel good about them, that s great, but keep them to yourselves as much as possible in the beginning. It might be hard, as the changes you are making for yourselves are positive, and you may feel that your children would want to share that with you. Although this may be true for some kids, my experience is that the vast majority of kids need proof of routine and normalcy before being able to accept more changes, either positive or negative.

Anticipez le problème #2: Vos enfants ont besoin de vous et de votre ex pour faire partie de la même équipe.

This is a big problem for many parents because they simply are not on the same team in many ways this usually goes along with the issues that caused the divorce in the first place. Why do children need this from you It falls under the same issue of needing to feel consistently taken care of. They have lived their lives up to this point believing to some degree that you were all in this together. If they don't feel that you are on the same team, a number of issues can arise. One common issue is that they will try hard to pick either you or your ex to agree with and defend, and stick with that person. Adding to the stress of this issue is that one child will frequently pick one parent to side with and another child will pick the other parent, causing fights between siblings as well.

Be careful with this because it is easy to get sucked in. Take this example: your child comes to you complaining about issues they are having with the other parent and you have experienced those issues first hand. You are angry at your ex, you are removed from your feelings of love for them at the moment, and you empathize with your child's experience so strongly that everything in you wants to just commiserate and talk about your ex s flaws.

Susannah est une psychothérapeute basée à Brooklyn qui possède une expérience en santé mentale ainsi que des services de conseil communautaires à Park Slope, ce qui la rend inestimable dans l'établissement de relations avec les écoles et d'autres services de la région. Dans sa pratique privée, Susannah propose une thérapie par le jeu avec de jeunes enfants ainsi que la gestion du comportement, des plans de comportement et d'autres techniques qui impliquent à la fois les enfants et leur famille. Elle offre également une psychothérapie aux couples et à la famille afin d'aider les parents et la famille à répondre aux préoccupations sous-jacentes du système familial. Elle dirige un groupe de psychothérapie assistée par les chevaux dans les écuries de Kensington avec des enfants d'âge moyen pour lutter contre l'anxiété, la timidité et la dépression.

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