Many of the families I am working with right now are preparing for one of the most significant milestones in the life of the adolescent—going away to college.

There are several stages of logistical, emotional and psychological preparation inherent in this transitional time, which begins with the college application process. What is notable from the perspective of many of the parents I work with today is how much more intense and rigorous it is for our teens than it was for ourselves ‘back in the day.’ Whether it’s high school juniors working their tails off for good grades, padding their transcripts with extra-curriculars, and working with tutors to obtain the SAT/ACT scores they need to apply to their colleges of choice, or seniors polishing their personal essays, completing their applications, and suffering the waiting game from submission to acceptance, the trials and tribulations of this process affects not only the adolescent, but the family as a whole.

What is important for parents to remain mindful of during this time is that the college process itself is the developmental equivalent of crossing the threshold from from adolescence to young adulthood. As such, the ways in which you support (“I think those are terrific choices of colleges! You go for it!”), encourage (“If you work a little harder, I bet you can get into that ‘reach’ school after all!”), and limit-set (“There is no way I am sending you to the ‘#1 Party School in America!’”) will not only guide your teen toward a positive college experience, but toward independence, self-reliance, and the ability to take responsibility for his actions — all critical skills for the young adult venturing out on his own.

So what does this mean for the emotional life of the parent-teen relationship? Expect the process to parallel earlier stages of adolescence—rebellion (“Just because you and dad want me to go to that college does NOT mean I have to want to go there!”), resistance (“What’s the big deal?! The deadline is not until tomorrow…!”), and fear (“Forget it. I’ll just stay home and work at McDonald’s!”). There will also be that characteristic tug and pull between their desire to be a child (“I don’t waaaaaant to learn how to do my own laundry.”), and a grownup (“Why shouldn’t I have my own credit card for college. I’m practically an adult!”). Sound familiar? If it does, just remember: Don’t give up on being a strong, loving, and consistent parent.

The college-bound teen will push your buttons, push the limits of authority and control, and then push herself right back into your lap when you least expect it. Be patient. Be clear and direct. Be ready for anything. And as ever, don’t take it personally when they express love and affection to their peers and save their temperamental and moody selves for you. This dynamic serves a purpose. First, it is a necessary training ground for them as they learn how and when to express uncomfortable feelings. It is in the ‘safety’ of their own homes where they can release said emotions without fear of rejection (like they might experience with their peers), and it is with the help of parental patience, support and guidance that they will learn to regulate and express their feelings appropriately. It is also developmentally appropriate as they continue their trajectory away from their families and toward their social and romantic relationships, which will be necessary for them to live satisfying adult lives.

Do let them know when they have crossed a line and hurt the feelings of others, but don’t belabor the point and make them feel responsible for your feelings. You can (and should!) talk to your therapist, your partner or your friends about that. Do trust that you are planting the seeds not only of independence, but also of respect for you and your parenting. Don’t expect immediate gratitude, but do look for the signs that they have internalized what you have taught them. Look for self-reliance, their ability to use dryer sheets, and the fact that they will probably call, text, email or Skype with you more in the first few months they are away than in their entire adolescent lives. Let that be your reward.

Good luck to you parents, to the graduating class of 2012, and to our future graduates who– as we speak– are making macaroni necklaces and pouring glitter in their hair.

Fara is a psychotherapist with a private practice in Park Slope where she specializes in working with children, adolescents, parents and families, coping with trauma, addictions, anxiety and depression. Utilizing both traditional psychotherapy and creative arts therapy in her work, she provides individual, couples and family counseling and has developed and implemented psychotherapy, psycho-education and creative arts therapy groups for children, adolescents and adults. She can be reached at: fara@brooklynletters.com or by phone at 917-359-3335.

“All she wants to do is sit on the computer/ hang out with her friends/stay in her room. It’s like we don’t even exist!”
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“Whatever I suggest, it either goes in one ear and out the other, or he does the complete opposite. It drives me crazy!”
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“I used to know what to do to make her feel better—now everything I say or do is wrong. It’s like I’m the enemy.”
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“It’s as if I don’t even know him anymore—like he’s a stranger to me….”
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These are just a few of the comments I have heard from parents of the most wonderful, complex, dynamic (and utterly maddening) patients I have the pleasure of working with: Teenagers.

Whenever I meet with an adolescent and their parents for the first time, the first half of the battle is with the young person, working through their resistance to being in therapy and accepting the need for help. Through the process of joining (meeting the adolescent where he is at), the provision of empathy, and the offer of a non-judgmental and supportive therapeutic space, the adolescent frequently comes around to engaging in the therapeutic process. The second half of the battle is talking the beleaguered parents of the adolescent off the ledge of anger, frustration, and fear that readily accompanies the experience of parenting a teenager in distress—if not simply parenting a teenager in general.

In addition to addressing the specific concerns the parent has about the teen (such as depression, anxiety, conflicts with peers, eating disorders, substance use, defiance, and ADHD), I have also found that parents benefit tremendously from psychoeducation about the developmental stage of adolescence. This information serves to normalize at least some of what the parent is experiencing, decreasing anxiety and re-framing the experience of parenting an adolescent as something that is universally both terribly frustrating and profoundly rewarding. After all, this young person—for all their instability and ire—is developing into an independent entity with responsibilities of his own. In other words, they are on their way to becoming….gasp!…an adult. And all of their irrationality, defiance, and emotional instability is, in truth, absolutely, positively…..necessary!

That’s right—a necessary part of their developmental process is to ‘rage against the machine’, create anarchy, say “black” when you say “white,” fight the system, focus on their peers over their family, and challenge parental rules and values. The only way they are effectively going to separate and individuate on their way to adulthood, is to challenge what they have been taught in an effort to try it on for themselves as they develop their independent identities. Seriously, it’s their JOB! That being said, it’s your job to forge on and continue to set limits, teach values, educate about safety out in the world, and still manage to keep strong the foundation of love and support—even when you’d rather be shipping them off to sea. Not an easy task, to be sure. But while it’s important to acknowledge your feelings about all of this as being valid, it is also important to be mindful of the fact that while it is ok to have your feelings, it might not be appropriate to react to them.

For example, your teenage daughter (you remember, the little girl your friends used to call your “appendage”) suddenly stops spending time and talking with you but locked in her room texting and Facebooking her friends about all that is relevant to her life. For some parents, this might bring up feelings of rejection, sadness, and grief over what feels like the loss of a relationship that once was. You might also feel like you have gone from being the center of her universe to being little more than her chauffer, her maid, her waitress, her secretary, or, in some cases, her enemy—particularly when she thinks you are taking your role as her ‘warden’ too seriously.

With all these shifts and changes, you may find yourself feeling more irritable, resentful and angry than at any other time in your life. As a result, you might find that you punish more harshly, limit more severely, and wonder more regularly what you did wrong to deserve all of this from your ungrateful and unappreciative offspring. And when you sift through the anger, it makes you just plain sad. So you find yourself using guilt to persuade her to talk to you, spend time with you, have more than 2 seconds of physical contact with you in public, and to not role her eyes when you won’t drop her off a block away from her friend’s house. (By the way, it’s ok to think to yourself, “If you role your eyes one more time I’m going to rip them out of your head,” but, again, not to act on it).

My suggestion to all of you who can relate: talk to your kids about how you feel. Not in a fit of rage, or when they do what they do to push your buttons and tick you off, but when you are having a quiet moment together and the timing feels right. Tell her you understand that it is important for her to try on new ways of being and to separate herself from the family in an effort to move towards independence; but for now, she is still a member of the family who is both loved and who has the ability to hurt other people with her actions and her words. Tell her you miss her and would like to carve out some time together to re-connect. If she does not respond to this olive branch, tell her that you will be there for her when she is ready. Because at the end of the day, that is what she needs to know: that she can test you and push the limits (and your buttons), and that in spite of it all, you will love her anyway. Now go to your room and think about that!

Last but not least, know that you are not alone. Reach out to other parents, join a support group, talk with your teenager’s therapist, go out with your friends and let off some steam. As noted in an earlier installment of the Mindful Parenting series, one of the most important ingredients of parenting children of all ages is making time for self-care. And to those of you with a teenager at home—who is probably bugging you to get off the computer so they can check their News Feed on Facebook right about now–this especially goes for you!

Fara is a psychotherapist with a private practice in Park Slope where she specializes in working with children, adolescents, parents and families, coping with trauma, addictions, anxiety and depression. Utilizing both traditional psychotherapy and creative arts therapy in her work, she provides individual, couples and family counseling and has developed and implemented psychotherapy, psycho-education and creative arts therapy groups for children, adolescents and adults. She can be reached at: fara@brooklynletters.com or by phone at 917-359-3335.